GHAR...

 “Mujhe Ghar jaana hai”, I said for the third time now in the past five minutes.

My brother raised his brows as if questioning my sanity. “You are at home, where else do you want to go?” He questioned me.

“I don’t know but I just want to go home.”

Now, my brother just couldn’t stop himself from starting with the age old adoption theory, telling me how much more at home I would feel if I went back to the mandir from where our parents first picked me. The ghar jaana hai thought took a back seat as we both started telling our own versions of the story and indulged in light fights.

It was only after a week when I felt the need to go home again. I couldn’t wait for my bus to drop me home. The 30 minute ride home felt like 30 hours and I could feel the restlessness disturb me. The weird part was not feeling the need to go home, but the feeling of not being at home, even after I reached my place. I was a little relieved to be home, but this was not what I was seeking for. And to be very honest, I had no idea what I was seeking for. 

The weird feeling of not being at home, often made me very uncomfortable and irritated. On one of such days, my mother after being fed up of my continuous chants, asked me, “What is that home you are so desperately looking for?” And I had no answers. Since that day, I started searching for my answers, started paying attention to small details and tried to understand each and everything happening around me. While seeking for my answers, not once but often I came across the phrase, ‘Home is not a place, it’s a feeling.’ And ever since I have been craving that feeling. It has been many years now that the peripatetic me is looking for my ghar. I wouldn’t lie, many times I have felt at home, but not quite found it yet.

“What is home?” I ask everybody. With time I have come up with my own sweet simple theory of what home is. It's anywhere where I feel safe, comfortable, at peace, happy and loved. Each day I find a little piece of home here and there, in people and in places. I don’t know if ever these pieces would fit together to give me one home, or if I even want all the pieces to fit together. 

I have experienced the feeling of being at home in my mom’s worry when I get late or don’t pick my phone; in my father’s smile when he talks about me to others and while ganging up with him against my mom as we all joke; in my brother’s teasings and in his raat ko dar lagne par haath pakadke sulana; in my nani’s food and in my nanu’s laughter; in my best friend’s random calls and in her tight hugs; in my friend’s personalized writings for me and while chilling together at home; in my toddler sister’s gurgles, and her shrieks; in teasing my mama; and in having pani puri with my chachu-chachi; in my kid brother’s out of the world talks and his care for me; in talking over the phone with a friend I lost touch with, only to feel the same connection; in reminiscing the old times over a slice of pizza with my gang; while writing; and when I sing in the shower; or when I lay aimlessly on the sofa, watching the clock tik tok and getting stressed that the time is passing...the list is long. But when I have to think when do I feel the most at home, a little blurry image forms in my head. It’s a lazy Sunday afternoon, and after lunch, my parents, me and my brother are all packed on one bed, talking about everything and anything, pulling each other’s legs, and having little pillow fights and boxing sessions. It makes me feel the most at home, those carefree laughter, those excited shrieks and those serious speeches make me feel comfortable, happy, at peace, loved and safe. But now, it feels like all of us have grown up suddenly, somehow we don’t fit on the same bed together, somehow we are all a little too busy in our own lives and somewhere we are starting to take each other for granted. I guess if one asks me today, what is home for me, I would just say, its where my heart smiles and my mind relaxes, its where I grow and learn to fly and its where selfless love envelopes me in it’s sturdy bubble, which helps me float in the vast ocean of unknown waters...