SILENT PALADIN

(We all dream of a knight in a shining armour in our life, who would take all our problems away. Little do we realise and appreciate the knight who is always there right from the very beginning of our existence. Yes I am talking about MOTHERS who are always there……the epitome of real selfless love. This little piece is dedicated to all the mothers, celebrating their love, struggle, and sacrifices)

Inside her, I felt her touch and I knew I was safe. She whispered random things to me, told me stories and I found peace in her voice. She looked at me and even though I couldn’t see, I felt her loving gaze and felt her face smiling, looking at her swollen stomach.

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I would start screaming and shouting at odd hours, demanding to be fed, or a change of clothes. No matter how tired she would be, with a smile on her tired face, she would brush aside her hair which had not been taken care for a week now and sooth me till I fell asleep again.

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I just started going to school. She dropped me to the school and hugged me a goodbye. Unlike other kids, I wasn’t crying, rather I was excited for a new beginning. She had made me independent at such a tender age.

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She would come to pick me from my bus stop, to walk me home- the favourite part of my day, when I would tell her every small little detail of my day, holding her hand, as I jumped and talked at the same time. She would get as excited as me each time I learnt something new, got appreciated by my teachers or got selected for some competition.

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I grew up, atleast I felt so. From being my only friend, she had now become my ‘enemy’. I would shout at her, argue with her, do things which would hurt her and simply not listen to her. She was angry, but more than angry she was worried. She was frustrated but more than frustrated, she was tired. She would still talk to me with patience, look over my small mistakes, take me out, cook my favourite meals and sometimes scold and punish too. But I was too naïve to acknowledge her, and too busy cribbing and coaxing her.

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I grew up, a little more, and realised all these years I had being acting like a ‘kid’. I understood that she had always had my back and would continue to. I finally understood the severity of the crime I had committed in my innocence, I had hurt a woman who had sleepless nights, to let me sleep in peace; who had saved me everytime from the outside world, who cried with me every time I shed tears, yet taught me to wipe them on my own and stand up strong; who trusted me when everybody else had simply given up; who tossed my troubles in the sea, when hers where overburdening her shoulders; and who had sidelined herself and given up on some of her dreams for me. I realised all this while, all she wanted was to be understood and loved. I learnt that each time I slept hungry, she wouldn’t eat too; each time I had problems with my relatives, she would take my side, fight for me, becoming the ‘bad woman’ for the family; each time I failed and wept, she would weep too since my tears were too precious for her; I realised the love I had been seeking outside home, had always been there with me, since even before I was born.

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The woman who never said a word when subjected to injustice, to avoid unnecessary fights, to keep the family together, roared like a lioness everytime her daughter was forced to do things, everytime she was not valued and everytime she would cry herself to sleep. The woman who had given up on her dreams, made her daughter dream, dream big; she made her daughter believe in fairy tales where every ending was not happy, but every ending sure had a learning. The woman who had suffered silently, made sure her daughter would never see the darkness and if at all she has to, she taught her daughter to become the light herself. The woman who had stopped believing, made her daughter believe in the good and the bad, in angels and devils and in oneself. The woman who had felt bondaged, gave her daughter the wings to soar high in the sky. The woman who had cried herself to sleep many times and wept silent tears, made sure her daughter’s tears were valued, and not wasted on the pillow. That woman raised another woman, making her stronger, more beautiful inside out and more independent, with a strong and bold voice. That woman saw a new herself in her daughter and promised a happy life to her. That woman raised a soldier who isn’t afraid of anything, since she has a stronger support system behind her, whose strength amazes man.  She handles troubles and carries burdens not just for herself but also for her daughter. She smiles when she feels like screaming, sings when she feels like crying, cries when she’s happy and laughs when she’s afraid. She isn’t difficult to understand, it just takes the right person to understand her.

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I don’t know how over the years our relationship graph would fall and rise, all I know is that for me, my mother is my doctor who bandages me everytime I fall; my teacher who teaches me morals and makes me develop my own set of values; my guide who makes me learn to balance my mind and heart and make the right decision; my teddy bear who gives me hugs even on days I don’t demand them; my painkiller everytime I am scarred and pained; my box of tissues that wipe my tears which never even leave my eyes; my chocolate who makes me smile for no particular reason; my punching bag who puts up with my nuisance and understands my hormones; my pillow who sings to me everytime I can’t sleep; my mirror who shows me the reality everytime I stumble; and the only one who understands my silence when I want to scream, who reads my eyes when I don’t have the right words, and who knows what’s wrong even on days when I don’t. It is only now that I realise how much taken for granted this relationship had always been for me. I don’t know where time would take us, and to be honest, I don’t even want to know, because I am enjoying everything we share right now…the fights, the moral lectures, the stories, the shopping sessions, the talk over cooking thing, the way we stand up for each other, the way we share private jokes and secrets. I don’t know what bought us so close, or how did we culminate with time, all I know is without her, my life is just unimaginable.