GROWING TOGETHER TO GROWING APART......

I was scrolling through my Instagram feed absentmindedly when one post caught my attention. It said "you must have had at least one person in your life whom you once called your best friend and today you people are no less than strangers". Somehow these words caught me off guard and before I knew I was in a black and white flashback. The memories of the past 7 years flooded my brain.

Hir was my first friend in the new school and we connected immediately, like the Bollywood yesteryear song……..tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata koi…… and since then we had been inseparable. We were so close that people often mistook us as sisters. We were not just friends; we were a family. Giggling over the silliest thing, memorizing each other’s phone numbers, calling each other the first thing after reaching home from school, sharing food, studying together, having common celebrity crushes, covering up for each other, fighting for each other, discussing family affairs, making plans for buying an apartment after growing up, scolding each other for being careless, irresponsible or naive, being the biggest critics of each other yet never losing love, standing up for each other, dancing together, singing the wrong lyrics and laughing till we had tears, making fun of each other, giving weird names to each other, sharing secrets knowing absolutely what the other one was going to say- OMG the list is just endless.

Our friendship had reached that level of comfort when we would just hang out at each other's place, lie on the sofa, watch a movie, make no conversation at all, and yet feel that connection and bond. People craved to have a friendship like ours. The way we would stick with each other was something people our age could only imagine. We would fight one minute and the other we would we whispering and laughing, since we had important stuff to share. Many tried coming in between us, trying to break our special bond but every time we emerged stronger than before, realising how much we meant to each other.

But as they say, ‘good things don’t last for ever…’ I don't know where we went wrong, but suddenly Hir became distant. She started avoiding me or at least I felt so. She stopped picking my phone calls, stopped hanging out with me and always cancelled all the plans last minute. I knew she had the pressure of excelling and was constantly under the threat of being sent off to a boarding school, if her grades fell. So, I tried helping her out. I would do silly things to make her cheerful, talk to her about things she loved to, to bring that beautiful smile on her face. Believe me, I tried a lot. But she was a different person, as if she had changed overnight. I just could not imagine or was I imagining things... she would hurt me, by her words, actions or by just being indifferent not actually realising how I felt. I couldn't take it anymore and thus distanced myself. It was then when we had the BIG FIGHT. Our friends had to take sides, which only added to the wrath of the fight. We abused each other, called each other names, and swore to never talk again. It was like our 'perfect' friendship had been broken. We didn't talk for days, ignored each other at school and pretended the other one didn't even exist. I cried at home for losing such a dear and close friend of mine and I am sure Hir was pretty disturbed herself. Without her, I felt lost and sad and it felt as if my life had lost its glitter and charm. Thus, keeping my ego aside, I decided to try sorting things out, and called up. After talking for over an hour, with a smile on our faces, and tears in our eyes, we were sorted. More than us, our group was happy, as they wouldn't have to take sides anymore. I thought everything would fall back to being normal with the same comfort and joy.

On the outside we were back to being 'us' but there was a new awkwardness surrounding us. The comfort had been lost. It was like sticking tapes on the cracks of broken glass, but the cracks were still visible. Whenever I needed someone to talk to, she was never there. I soon realised or felt so that it was only me who was making efforts to save our friendship. Whenever we made plans of going out, she had tuitions or some family function and would always cancel the program. She had become so distant to me, that her voice sounded mechanical to me. I could no longer share things with her. I could no longer trust her. I could no longer be 'me' in front of her. Many times, I tried to figure out what had gone wrong but every time the labyrinth took me deeper in it, and I could never come out of it and find the answers.

Sometimes, I felt she had some family issues and thus tried to talk to her, support her, help her and just be there for her; but somehow her mind and heart had decided that I was no longer that right person. Maybe she was trying to build and sustain other relationships at home and other fronts. Even today, I don't know why we 'broke up'. We are no longer the 'Motu-Patlu' pair who swore to be godmothers to each other's kids. Our knowledge of each other is via others, Instagram stories and occasional phone calls. What crept in our beautiful bond and made the entire thing a bittersweet relationship is still a mystery to me.

It’s been almost two years now…. from talking daily, we have made a long journey to not talking at all. Some days I get angry at her, for not understanding and for leaving, other days I feel sad, because I have no idea what she is going through. Some days I doubt my skills in judging people, other days I simply cry remembering 'our' days. Some days, I feel that maybe if I hadn't changed schools, things would have been different, other days I simply know it wouldn't have made any difference at all. Today, I am completely over our 7 year old bond full of madness and love, or at least I feel so. But still, on days, I have tears recalling all those days when we were so carefree, so happy and so together. I wish she would tell me what went wrong or how could I rewind those days and make things right. What makes me the saddest is Advika and Hir would never be 'them' again. I am not angry at her, just confused. I am not blaming her, just asking her to let me know where we went wrong. Did we take each other for granted that the essence of our beautiful spontaneous relationship was lost? I am not asking her to leave her studies and just give attention to me, just waiting for that out of nowhere phone call which might make things better. I am never going to hate her, because I simply can't, a part of my heart belongs to her and will always belong to her. She is always going to be in my prayers, and I am always going to love her. A corner there is reserved for her, a place which no one can ever take. I have moved on, but at times I miss those beautiful, innocent growing up days, that brings a smile on my face, and tears in my eyes. The relationship that started at the threshold of entering the teens, ended almost at the threshold of entering the adulthood. I wish our 'forever' had lasted forever.